Tuesday
I didn't feel at all good yesterday. I knew after such a good day before that it was going to hit me like a ton of bricks, which is exactly what happened. I felt horrible all day.
I didn't cry until about 10pm. I was talking to a male friend who is all about the boobies and skinny chicks - and i thought that there is going to be NO MAN who will want to come within 100 miles of me. I have so many things wrong with my face/body alongside all my mental issues, not exactly what i would call a catch! Having that conversation with him i really do feel that there is absolutely no hope in hell of EVER having a relationship again.
Earlier in the day i went through a ton of papers that i had been meaning to sort. It was horrible. I found SO many letters that i had written and never given him. My diaries from 2002/2003 and journals that i had kept, i found more letters. Some of the things that i read were heartbreaking. He had said the most horrible horrible things, but yet - I STILL LOVE HIM!
I can totally see that this marriage was wrong and he was abusive to me. BUT - if i was NORMAL perhaps he would have been happier and not so abusive? I think he would definitely have been better. I believe what it comes down to is that i made him so unhappy, he didn't know how to express himself. He didn't feel like he could leave before, because maybe he did feel an element of guilt, who knows? But he stayed with me and hurt me....a lot.
All that said, there were times he was lovely to me. We'd cuddle up together, he would ALWAYS (when he lived with me), kiss me and tell me he loved me before he went to work, even if i was 4.30 in the morning and when he got home he'd do the same - EVERY-SINGLE-DAY. I miss that. I miss being told that i am loved and having that affection. There are HUNDREDS of things that i hate about not having him here.
I desparately want/NEED to call/text him right this minute, i know he is not at work until later. I want to hear his voice...
WELL - I AM GLAD I DID CALL!!!!
What a dick.
I didn't cry until about 10pm. I was talking to a male friend who is all about the boobies and skinny chicks - and i thought that there is going to be NO MAN who will want to come within 100 miles of me. I have so many things wrong with my face/body alongside all my mental issues, not exactly what i would call a catch! Having that conversation with him i really do feel that there is absolutely no hope in hell of EVER having a relationship again.
Earlier in the day i went through a ton of papers that i had been meaning to sort. It was horrible. I found SO many letters that i had written and never given him. My diaries from 2002/2003 and journals that i had kept, i found more letters. Some of the things that i read were heartbreaking. He had said the most horrible horrible things, but yet - I STILL LOVE HIM!
I can totally see that this marriage was wrong and he was abusive to me. BUT - if i was NORMAL perhaps he would have been happier and not so abusive? I think he would definitely have been better. I believe what it comes down to is that i made him so unhappy, he didn't know how to express himself. He didn't feel like he could leave before, because maybe he did feel an element of guilt, who knows? But he stayed with me and hurt me....a lot.
All that said, there were times he was lovely to me. We'd cuddle up together, he would ALWAYS (when he lived with me), kiss me and tell me he loved me before he went to work, even if i was 4.30 in the morning and when he got home he'd do the same - EVERY-SINGLE-DAY. I miss that. I miss being told that i am loved and having that affection. There are HUNDREDS of things that i hate about not having him here.
I desparately want/NEED to call/text him right this minute, i know he is not at work until later. I want to hear his voice...
WELL - I AM GLAD I DID CALL!!!!
What a dick.
posted by Sarah♥ at
6/10/2009 09:03:00 am
4 Comments:
When I see my ex-wives now (God, the "ex-wives" makes me sound awful!), I can't imagine going off with them again. Yet I can remember when they filled up my life with pleasure and emotion... There were all the little private shared experiences, private personal habits, funny nicknames and term of affection, shared dreams (where are they now?)...
Relationships are like people - a mixture of good and bad. It's easy to remember the good - isn't it nicer to remember the good things? But we should never forget the bad things - the things which separated us from a happy future. When you're feeling like you're missing your ex, just remember all the SHIT times he gave you. All the begging you did and HE ignored. All the effort you put into the relationship and how little HE tried.
It gets better as time wears on. Honestly. And you'll get stronger in yourself, too.
Thinking about you...
The male friend you spoke to is one man and one opinion. I mean does he represent the other how many billion men out there hunny? Good luck to the girl he chooses cos he sounds picky to me.
Please don't blame yourself or be hard on yourself. There was no excuse for the pressure and the unkindness that he put on you. If there's a man out there who wants a beautiful slim clever and articulate woman with a LOT of love to give then he'll think himself fortunate to have found you.
I feel for you babes, it hurts like Hell I know. Take care of you xx
Do you want to know something bizarre! THAT guy, the one who said all that stuff confessed that he'd 'fancied' me (i hate that word) for ages!!!!
That is what that post was on the other blog - the "OMG - I didn't expect that"
Soooo confused!
I'm really delighted for you babes! What a confusing time for him to tell you this but hey, maybe it's taken the divorce for him to feel that he can be honest now. Whatever happens in future, I just wish you sooo much happiness. I really hope that you find someone (maybe it's this guy?) who treats you like the beautiful wonderful woman you are. XX
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